A Miracle Cure for Social Maladjustment!

Come one, come all! Do you suffer from crippling social anxiety, alienation from your peers, and an unbearable sense of otherness in social situations such as parties, hangouts, and workplace conversations? Do you assume that others are constantly out to get you? Do you believe that you must surely appear as some kind of contemptible ogre in the minds of others, crafted in the workshop of a cruel God? Boy howdy, do I have news for you! I am proud to announce a new, never before seen, no holds barred cure for neurodivergent neuroses!

I know what you're going through. I know how you feel. Believe me, I really do. I know that being a part of the society which we all collectively constitute makes you feel like some kind of slimy, roughly textured, accursed freak of nature who would've been better off being aborted by your whore of a mother. I was """neurodivergent""" myself once, believe it or not! Now, though? Now, I'm as normal as they come! I can talk and attend all manner of events and bonding rituals and nobody suspects a thing! Do you want to know how I've achieved such a feat? Do you want to feel normal too? Of course you do. All thinking, feeling, warm blooded mammals want to be normal. Why, there's no higher aspiration in life than to fit perfectly into a social group or organization or movement or cult of some kind and discard oneself of such malignant disorders such as Autism Spectrum Disorder, CPTSD, BPD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and other terrible conditions which prevent belonging within a social unit.

It's simple, really. It all comes down to a humble molecule. No, no, it's not some artificial pharmaceutical patented by Monsanto. It's not Abilify or Amphetamine Salts or St. Johns Wart or cognitive behavioral therapy or a self help book or any other ineffective bullshit like that, designed only to convince gullible fools into handing over their hard earned cash in exchange for a something that might as well be a placebo. It's a real, bona fide, instantly effective cure. Down the hatch it goes, and just like that you're all better! Inhibition? More like Schimhibition! You'll never overthink your gestures or utterances when you get a healthy dose of this shit! Does it sound too good to be true? I assure you, it's true as fuck! Try it yourself and all doubts will disappear, just like your father did when you were a vulnerable child who desperately needed love which you were(for whatever unknowable reason) destined to never receive.

This glorious new substance, this unbelievably effective elixir, this absolutely harmless and side effect free psychoactive ambrosia is referred to by the moniker of "alcohol", or, if you want to be scientific about it, "CH3CH2OH". It is an all natural, organic, preservative free, easy to manufacture, millennia old compound used by indigenous societies all through human history. Heck, even elephants and chimpanzees occasionally partake in alcohol! This shit is more wholesome and all natural than $3/lb pesticide free plums from Whole Foods!

If my ol' schpiel doesn't convince you, then I beg of you, give alcohol a try yourself. Three 20 oz cans of 10% alcohol solution diluted with fruity water should do the trick. You'll be socializing with the best of them in no time!

You heard it here first, folks. You are one of the lucky few to be witness to the emergence of this ages old chemical into modern society. Alcohol... it'll make you feel alright... real good... real, real good... reeeeaaaalllllll fuckin' good........ you'll fit in like a fucking pea in a pod, and you'll feel fantastic about yourself too...

There is one teensy, tiny, insignificant little catch though. Of course there is, am I right? It really would be too good to be true otherwise. Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you to turn over the soul of your first born child or anything crazy. This isn't a monkey's paw, Rumpelstiltskin sort of situation, I promise! All that I ask is that you give me a little piece of your flesh, like clipping off a toenail. Just a little smidgen of your brain and body. One bout of drunkenness, and one strand or so* of your neurons get shredded. That's not much to ask for such a powerful medicine, is it? After all, all medicines have some kind of drawback. Viagra gives you indigestion. Lithium makes you drowsy. Alcohol, though? All that alcohol really does is is take away a microscopic little bit of your physical manifestation upon this planet, a hardly noticeable amount of time among the living. Isn't it better to live 45 years feeling good than to live 80 feeling like an unlovable piece of shit?

Alcohol! It's what pathetic assholes like you crave!